Earning my retirement one humiliating experience at a time...

Don't be fooled: they are not lined up for execution.
They are living the "good life"

Evan's parents have it all figured out. Jer and Peg are living the good life in a magical place called "Viewpoint RV Retirement Resort" (doesn't that just roll off your tongue?) Viewpoint is a "retirement resort" in Mesa, Arizona for 55+ active RV'ers seeking the good life. Ev and I slid right in under the radar, pulled up our pants and joined in the 55+ action. It was good. So good. Typical Day: You wake up whenever you want because you don't work. That's right - no one cares when you wake up. You don't call in "sick" or "late."They will not take away your pension check if you consistently wake up past 11am. Brilliant. Your phone rings off the hook with friends asking you to "play." Hmmm...shall I join Sharon for tennis? A golf game with Rob? Perhaps baseball with the guys? Shuffleboard with Steve and Mary? It's like a Saturday in July when you're 10 years old. The possibilities are endless. Brilliant. You engage in some R&R by the pool (which of the 5 pools? The 80 degree pool, the 90 degree pool? Perhaps you want to check out the cold crappy pool where they allow (gasp!) children?) Around 3pm you decide where you would like to attend happy hour ("Gladys makes those fantastic riblets!" "Mario brought back some wine from California.") You drink, eat, visit - then head to bed for 9pm so you can get a good sleep and start all over again. Brilliant. The whole thing is fricken brilliant. Sign me up! I spent the whole visit repeating those 3 words. Surprisingly, I was met with some resistance. "Oh no! You need to EARN your retirement." What the h? Is there like some points reward card I need to sign up for?

So, like, if I do 1 more lap, will I EARN my retirement?

Points Reward Card for Retirement:
Bearing a child = 1000 points
Bearing more than 2 children = 6000 points (add 2300 points if they are all within 2 years of each other)
Working a job you hate for more than 20 years consecutively = 5500 points (add 1000 points if your boss is total dickhead)
10+ years of rush hour driving = 1500 points
Being a "Hockey parent" = 2000 points (add 1000 if your child  is a goalie)
Babysitting your grandchildren while your selfish children vacation in the Bahamas = 800 points
Enduring a Saskatchewan winter for 20+ consecutive years without slitting your wrists = 7500 points (subtract 50 points for every hot holiday you took)

Is there any way to expedite the process? Like, if I have a particularly shitty day, can I write the points reward people, describe my experience and gain extra points? If so, I have a doozy. Here it goes,

Dear Points Reward for Retirement Committee,

I am writing you this letter in the hopes of receiving additional points toward my retirement. I feel my recent experience should accelerate the retirement process, earning at least 1000 points or more.

Best. Walk. Ever.

Upon returning from "practice retirement" in Arizona, I was awakened at 5am by the sound of a glass falling into the sink. The cat, frightened, ran across my face, leaving a large scratch on my cheek and bruise under my eye. After I wiped the blood off the pillowcase, I got up to take the dog for his morning walk. A slave to the clock, I checked the time repeatedly to ensure that I would re-enter the house at exactly 7:24 so that the coffee would be on by 7:26. With 3 minutes to spare, the dog followed me as I grabbed the garbage and headed out the back alley. Upon returning at 7:26, I was shocked to find that the dog and I were locked out of the house (the basement dweller determined that I had left for work and locked the door behind me). I was stuck in the backyard, clothed in dress pants and high heels with no coat, no phone, and no key (with my little white dog). Please note that it was -7 degrees Celsius (perhaps worth an additional 200 points?) Without my cellphone, I do not actually know anyone's phone number (who does anymore?), so my only option was to run to the fire hall (approximately 12 blocks downhill) where my husband was working. So that's what I did. I ran 12 blocks downhill with a scratched face, bruised eye, and my dog in high heels (let me clarify, I was wearing high heels, not the dog - that would be goofy).  

Once I received the key and a ride back to the house, dropped off the dog, and made it to work, I was 16 minutes late. I immediately opened my email to find a message from a buddy with whom I hadn't spoken in years. Here is what it said:

"Hey Kirstie! I think I saw you running down the Central Ave bridge this morning in high heels. You were running with a little white dog. It was funny. You looked like you were being pulled down the hill. If it wasn't you, I wish you would have seen it. It was hysterical."

Anyone seen this crazy lady at Canadian Tire?

The following day, I let my fabulous 5 year old niece paint my face. There were butterflies, swirls and circles all over my forehead, cheeks, and neck. Completely oblivious, I then proceeded to run errands around town for an hour and half, in addition to meeting with some gentlemen who are helping with our new build. No one said a word.  I can only imagine that anyone who has seen me in the last few days thinks that I am losing my mind. And perhaps I am, in fact, losing my mind.

So, as you can see, it was a particularly shitty/embarrassing week and I may be losing my mind. Please consider this when calculating my points toward retirement.

Sincerely,
Kirstie Lindsay
PS: next post will be in Spanish. I promise. ;)