Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Who wants to bathe me today? Anyone? Anyone?

Pinterest project #1: Positive Affirmations Jar

Yep, That's right. Once I pinned each and every alcoholic beverage recipe available (someday I WILL drink again and it will be awesome), I found this little craft on Pinterest. It's a jar full of positive affirmations. Every day, I remove one affirmation from the jar, repeat it to myself and, you know, feel better or whatever. We'll see. It can't hurt. Today's affirmation read: "You are successful." Why thank you, positive affirmations jar. I am quite successful, aren't I? I have a very good job, married a wonderful man, and successfully tore the shit out of my cartilage. Ooops, damn negative thought sneaks in from time to time.

I enlisted the help of my fabulous 5 year old niece (the one who does my makeup and then sends me out in public) to decorate the "Positive Affirmations Jar." She looked a bit suspect when I explained what we were doing.

"It's a jar full of nice words to make you feel better," I explained.

"So you read it to yourself then?"

"Yes. Every day, you pick one out, read it out loud, and you feel good about yourself."

No, I did not get beat up. That's my makeup, silly!
"So like you're kinda talking to yourself then Aunty Kirstie?"

Yep, she thinks Aunty Kirstie is a nut. But....she glittered away, sticking fabulous stickers that say, "Good job!" and "Yes!" to my jar. With the help of her mom, she then carefully wrote out personal "complements" just for me. Today's complement read, "You are a butterfly." Awesome! I'm not sure what it means (perhaps that I'm metamorphisizing and growing with each experience?) I do know that Nicole loves butterflies and if she thinks I'm a butterfly than that's pretty sweet. It makes my heart happy.

Who knew 3 words could make me feel so good?

We ended craft hour with another amazing makeover, in which she completely covered my eyes, forehead, and chin in glitter (each makeover is more intense than the last) and sent me on my way. I made her agree that someday, when she is preparing for a date, she will allow me to do her makeup. I can't wait! (evil laugh).

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. It's amazing just how much thinking one can do when one is stuck at home. I find myself obsessing about the few events in my day. Case in point:  the bathing process. The bathing process is not a simple jump in and out of the shower as it once was. It now consists of forethought, planning, endurance, and a very important "helper" to get me in and out of the shower (I'm quite particular about who is eligible to be a "helper"). So I sit and think about it...plan it...scheme my next bathing experience. I let my "helpers" know days in advance that I have high expectations of my upcoming bathing process (i.e. "Ev..tomorrow I would like a shower at about 4:00 and then another one on Thursday at about 11am please.") I plan which shampoo I will use (extra conditioning on Friday) and which shower gel will make my bathing experience that much more complete (Yes, it will be quite lovely to smell of satsuma on Tuesday). I am obsessing about my bathing process.

My other obsession is my recovery time. Dr. M explained that I will be donning this hideous brace that prevents any bend larger than a 15 degree angle for 6-8 weeks. So which is it? Is it 6 weeks? Or is it 8 weeks? Because, dammit, this time frame is extremely important right now. If it's 6 weeks, I only have 4 weeks to go. That's approximately 1 month. That seems...well...doable. 8 weeks, on the other hand puts me out of this ridiculous brace at the end of July. That seems a little more daunting. I'm quite certain that I am an exceptional cartilage grower. For fun, I've been sending friends text messages that read, "Kepow!" (that's the sound of my cartilage growing) "Kepow! just growing cartilage, you?" (funny enough, my friends have stopped responding to these texts and some are mysteriously changing their numbers).

So how will Dr. M decide if I'm a 6 weeker or an 8 weeker? I am well aware that there is no X-ray or MRI that will determine if the cartilage growing is successful. So how will he make that decision? Will there be a test? Is there a passing score? Will he somehow score my willingness and determination to heal? Will he smell my satsuma shower gel and realize that through adversity, I'm continuing to practice fabulous  hygiene - "That's 5 extra points!" Kepow! Kepow! Listen to the explosion of growing cartilage!

I have a feeling; however, that there is no test. Never one to sit back and let life happen to me, I've composed a letter to Dr. M. This is a "cover letter" of sorts, persuading him to consider me for the 6 week group. I'm quite certain that he will be very impressed.

Dear Dr. M,

I am respectfully requesting your consideration of me for your "6 week healing group," (as opposed to your 8 week healing group). I feel that I have the skills and qualifications necessary to succeed as a 6 week healer of the micro fracture surgery.

Dr. M, I have always been a perfectionist, an overachiever - always striving to go above and beyond the expectations of others. For example, we were asked to create a scrapbook outlining all the information about a particular state in the sixth grade. I did Texas. We were required to outline 6 areas about the state. I did 10. No big deal; but yet, it was.

In addition, I have a history of rapid, safe healing. When I was 10 I had a bloody nose and it was resolved within minutes. I broke a bone in my foot during the "bowling incident" of 1992. I brushed it off, and continued on to become the 2nd best bowler in Canada (It's kind of a tragic story which I will someday share on my blog) Yes, sir, I am a healer. A determined, rapid healer.

Finally, I am currently exuding positivity. I am fully aware of the power of positive thinking and am quite certain that the statements I am repeating from my "Positive Affirmations Jar" are invaluable to the growth of my cartilage. 

Dr. M, although I am lovingly em"bracing" the brace (with a sense of humour, never mind), I respectfully request that you recommend the removal of the device at the 6 week mark. I feel that my determination, history of rapid healing, and ability to go above and beyond what is expected of me makes me an excellent candidate as a "6-week healer."

Yours truly,

References available on request

Update: Just found out that I won't actually start growing cartilage for another 6 weeks. I am currently growing a scab. Ewwwww. I'm quite certain that doesn't make a "kepow!" sound. It probably sounds more like, "ssssssssssssss-eeeeeeeeeeee-sssssssssss" or something? Whatever, I'm really good at growing scabs you know. 

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