I'm going to preempt this post with a warning: if you're looking for a shits and giggles today, abandon this post immediately. Go watch the flute vids from October or check out the Bloggess.com.
It blows me away how many times I hear people (including myself) say that they've had a "bad" day. What exactly does that mean? It's totally subjective. Perhaps my "bad" day would be a "pretty decent" day for some. I even requested bonus retirement points post "worst day ever" ( see blog post) which, reading back now, looks like a pretty fricken hilarious day, resulting in a fabulous tale! I think everyone has the right to proclaim that they've had "the worst day ever!" We all do it. However; occasionally, I think we all need a little perspective on what, exactly, a "bad" day means for some, and spend our time focusing on the positive things in our lives (Gawd, I sound like Dr. Phil or something).
I quickly realized into my 3rd month of working on the hospital wards that I couldn't cry each and every time I lost a patient. You just can't do that to yourself. So something happened to me, something that must happen to everyone who works in emotionally charged situations - you slowly become hardened. It's like a little suit of armor that slides on to protect you from sad as soon as you enter the workplace. I guess it's a technique that many professions (police, fire, social workers, etc) must engage in order to survive. I fear that I'm losing that compassionate side that families desperately need when I enter the patient's room. It's become another item on my to-do list: "discuss end-of-life feeding with Smith family followed by lunch out with the girls."
Not to worry, with the holidays in high gear, once again I've completely lost my little suit of armor, and have spent the week sobbing with patients, families, and alone in my car on my way home from work.
I cried with my patient when she uttered her first 3 words since her stroke 6 weeks ago: "Take a bath?" :) I cried with a lonely man who hasn't had a visitor since his admission 2 months ago. I cried with a family as they gathered around their dying father. I cried alone in my car, thinking of Ryan. It will be his family's first Christmas without him. I can't imagine what that would feel like. Thank goodness I work with a fabulous team of people, who I'm sure quietly share these feelings. We all "get" what it's like and bond together in our own little way in order to cope (Christmas caroling followed by a little wine and 'Love Acutally' does the body good!)
This post is not intended to throw you into a deep dark depression or cause you to react defensively, taking back every day you've proclaimed "the worst day ever." But sometimes it's important to focus on all the good things happening in your life (even the small, seemingly insignificant things) instead of dwelling on the bad. I constantly need to remind myself of that. I walked out of the hospital at 4:30 (ok, 4:21 - I snuck out early) and didn't look back. I filed away the sadness, cranked Mariah Carey's, "All I want for xmas is you" (how can that NOT make you happy?), and celebrated all the wonderful things for which I am grateful. I get to drive home. I get to spend time with my Grandma crocheting. I get to create a gift for my best friend's first baby (and meet him in just over a month!) I get to share the holidays with my friends and family - all of whom are healthy. I get to endure Ev's "budget" talks. I get to watch my niece and nephew excitedly tear into their xmas presents. I get to taste Baba's homemade perogies. I get to, I get to, I get to. There's so many things that I get to do! And for that, I am incredibly grateful.
Merry Christmas!
PS: 4 crochet squares completed. The tears slowed me down this week. Next week, I will be better!
you brought tears to my eyes with not only the mention of Ryan but because it was such a deep moving post...merry christmas
ReplyDeleteI loved this post, Kirstie... so very true. I've had so many "bad" days in the last year with have lost three consecutive babies, but there are still so many things to bring me perspective. Although the sadness consumes me some days, there are days when it is very easy to see that my life is still so blessed in so many ways.
ReplyDeleteI find the suit of armor is dependent on the situation. So much of what I end up doing is about giving people the good death. That takes compassion; to negotiate the compromise between a fear of death and acceptance of the inevitable, to figure out a goal that's realistic. It's hard not to feel happy about having relieved somebody of their burden of suffering when it is time. I find myself rationalizing their deaths in my heart. Even the unexpected ones. The only ones I still have trouble with are the kids. Those it's good to talk through.
ReplyDeletePersonally, it's hard around this time of year if you've lost someone you love. It seems like a bad day because grieving doesn't exactly feel good. That said, it's healthy to let it happen, to let your brain process, so it's not exactly 'bad,' just uncomfortable. I have found that often during this time, it ends up being not so much about the people who I've lost, but about the people I'm thankful to still have.