Boobies are distracting...even for doctors

As I've mentioned, I have a torn meniscus. Apparently, it needs to be surgically corrected. Thankfully, I was scheduled for surgery quite quickly because I slept with the orthopedic surgeon it is a priority. My surgery is tomorrow. A torn meniscus is annoying and frequently "locks,"causing me to contort my face in such an awful way that my office mate and flute teacher, Heidi, simultaneously laughs hysterically and yells, "Oh no! Oh no!"

I'm no stranger to the surgery. I've had a few in my past. Typically, my surgeries entail the investigation of the "lady parts." Surgery of the knee sounds much more preferable to surgery of the lady parts. In fact, this could be quite an exciting opportunity. I will be given a spinal and will be able to actually watch my scope on a television situated in front of me as it's occurring! I'm trying to be positive here. Also, I just recently purchased a GoPro camera for Ev - it's a sports camera that you mount to your head while you are surfing, climbing mountains, wrestling alligators, etc. Ev's trying to convince me to mount this to my head to document my knee surgery. Hmmm...."Hey friends, want to come over for a beer and a viewing of my knee surgery?" I'm thinking....NO.

The moment when Lawyer's husband deviated his septum. Bahahaha. 

My last surgery was NOT a positive experience. I mean, NO surgery could ever really be a positive experience. In fact, Lawyer's husband recently went under for a repair of his deviated septum. He awoke to experience a very sore nose and an unusual and surprising pain in his...um...butt. Yep. His butt. As it turns out, during general anesthetic, a suppository will be inserted for pain relief. Say Wha?UGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! But I digress...as I was saying, NO surgery could ever really be a positive experience, but out of the 5 surgeries I've endured, my last one was most certainly my least favorite.

First, my Gynecologist was incredibly good looking. He was Dr. McDreamy for the lady parts. Now seeing a hot doctor should be a pleasant experience; however, when your discussion revolves around your uterus and ovaries (I apologize if those words make you cringe - I feel uncomfortable even typing them), it definitely takes the flirtation out of the experience.

"Hi! My name is booby....er Doogie."

Second, a young resident doctor was participating in my surgery. He was 16. Well, perhaps I'm exaggerating - but there's NO WAY he was of legal drinking age. He was very Doogie Howser-ish. You all remember Doogie, right? Neil Patrick Harris. Brilliant prodigy child? My Doogie Howser's first job was to insert my IV. Apparently I have "difficult" veins, so this is no easy task.

As one nurse held down my arm to take my blood pressure, Doogie attempted to insert my IV in the other arm. As I lay naked under a sheet in the cold, sterile OR, and Doogie struggled repeatedly with IV insertion, I began to become slightly anxious. Suddenly, I felt a rush of cold air in a very private place. As I looked down, I realized that my booby had popped out of the sheet and was exposed to everyone in the OR.

Well I'm the first to admit that my booby isn't overly spectacular to look at. At all. However, this was probably the first booby that my 16 year old resident had ever seen!! No wonder he was having difficulties with my IV, he was obviously distracted by the booby pointed directly at him.

How humiliating. This is the last thought that ran through my brain as I fell asleep. Well that, and, gosh my booby is cold. Traumatic.

Waking from my surgery, I was immediately greeted by my very attractive Gynecologist.

"The good news is - you have a very nicely shaped uterus." (For Real. He said that).

I blushed, stomach whirling with butterflies. Or nausea. Not sure. In my mind, I heard, "You are the most exquisite woman I have ever performed surgery on."

My stomach fell. Or maybe it was nausea. Not sure. Wait a minute, did Dr. McDreamy just compliment the shape of uterus? Gross. So gross.

"The bad news is, we accidentally perforated it during surgery."

Seriously? I bet that damn Doogie Howser let his scalpel slip, still preoccupied with my exposed booby.

So that's how my last surgery went down.

I anticipate a much better experience this time around. I will tell you all about it (promising to never use the words uterus and/or ovaries in a blog post again). And my stories tend to be much more entertaining whilst on pain meds...and I will take those pain meds by mouth, thank you very much.