If Only...

Some people believe that everything happens for a reason. I’m not sure if I buy that. I’d like to think things don't just "happen." I'd like to believe that I have a little more control over my destiny. I picture my life more as a complex series of intersecting paths. You make a decision; you end up on a path. You make another decision, you switch paths. Things can go one way or another based on what decisions you make in life. We are constantly switching our paths or routes in our lives with each decision that we make. Some decisions seem "big" ("Yes, I will marry you!"), whereas other decisions seem "small"  - so small that we aren't even conscious that we are making a decision (stopping to send a text). Sometimes this seems fair. Sometimes it appears as though we have control over which path we end up on – you work hard, you make “good” choices, and you end up on the path that you desired. However, sometimes it seems to make no sense at all. You leave your house two minutes late because you responded to a text, placing you on the road at the exact moment that a drunk driver swerves in front of your vehicle. How could you have known that taking those two minutes to respond to that text would change your life forever?

I guess my path changed as soon as I injured my knee. I had intended to learn how to sail this month. Perhaps that uphill run I took in March was the deciding factor. Perhaps that was the moment when I tore my cartilage, leading to this challenging path that I'm currently on. I certainly wouldn’t have chosen this path, but now that I’m on it, I made the decision to remain as positive as I could (difficult!) and investigate the opportunities that were available to me (NOT sailing or unicycling as planned). So those decisions lead me to meditation. I don’t think I would have willingly chosen to meditate unless I was forced into this sedentary state. I was looking for something more adventurous. As it turns out, meditation and mindfulness month is exactly what my mind and soul needed at this pivotal time in my adventure. 

In the last 3 weeks, I’ve been enlightened with regards to this entire year-long experience – and the decisions that I am making in my own life. This month of meditation and self discovery has forced me to sit still and think about things. This is exactly what I feel I needed to gain insight and closure after a fabulous and exciting year of new experiences. So although I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, perhaps that cartilage tearing uphill run and the decisions I've made since have placed me on a path that was difficult, yet important and necessary for me to navigate.

man do we miss this face

One year ago today, we lost Ryan. Ryan made a series of decisions and choices throughout his life that somehow placed him on that river on July 31, 2011. For the past year, I have replayed that day and the series of decisions that were made. I recall each and every single detail of that day – the way the air smelled, the wind blowing across the river, and the frantic shouting that ensued when Ryan didn’t surface. These memories evoke anxiety, fear, overwhelming sadness, and incredible guilt. These memories haunt me in the middle of the night, prevent me from "seizing the day," and cloud the positive memories of Ryan. I’m tired of replaying these memories. I don’t want them anymore. I want to remember “Holowaty’s hotdogs,” the unicycle, and Ryan’s exuberant “HOLA!”

During the past month, I’ve finally came to the realization that it’s time to put the bad memories to rest so that I can clear room for all of the positive memories I have of Ryan and all the lessons that he's presently teaching me. I’ve replayed a list of “if only’s” in my mind now for one year: If only it hadn’t been windy that day – if it wasn’t for that damn northwest wind we would have been on the lake instead of the river. If only the river wasn’t so high – the land was flooded, creating intense undercurrents. If only Ryan had been wearing a lifejacket – would that have saved him? If only Ryan wouldn’t have jumped at that exact moment – what if he would have waited 1 minute, 30 seconds? If only I would have taken the situation more seriously – I was sure Ryan was pranking us, “He has to be somewhere, you guys!”  If only the guy with the green shorts on the riverbank had been Ryan – I was sure it was Ryan! (“Look! there he is! I am going to strangle him for scaring us so bad!”) If only Ryan had surfaced like each of us who jumped in the river that day. We will never know what would have happened had Ryan or any one of us had made a different decision leading up to that moment. I understand that it’s not healthy to dwell on those “if only’s” anymore. In order to truly honour Ryan, it’s time to stop replaying the events of that horrible day and focus on simply remembering our friend Ryan.  

This past weekend, as Ryan’s friends and family organized and attended a memorial day for Ryan at Candle Lake, it was apparent just how many lives Ryan has touched in his short 31 years of life. We all gathered to remember and celebrate Ryan – his enthusiasm, his originality, and his love and zest for life. The qualities that made Ryan, “Ryan”, are the thoughts and memories that are important to hold on to and remember. Those are the thoughts and feelings that I need to expend my energy on. I feel incredibly lucky to have been a part of Ryan’s life. I feel incredibly lucky to have memories of those experiences that I shared with such an unique and vibrant person.

This journey is coming to a close. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year! During the month of August, I have one last project that I’m creating for Ryan and I’m determining exactly how to organize my thoughts to fully explain what Ryan has taught me during the past year.

So today, as you carry on with your daily routine, take the time to tell a special person just how awesome he is and how much he means to you. Although I didn’t get the chance to tell Ryan (If only!), I know that he was with us on the island this weekend, totally psyched that his friends and family gathered in his favourite place to celebrate and honour him. 

Oh Ryan! You always made me laugh!

I love you...but right now, I hate your face

After the Hunger Games experience, things could only get better...and they did! I had a really good week and had some wonderful "Full House" moments (you know, when the sappy music comes on and DJ learns a valuable lesson about respect, or whatever - man, I miss that show). Once I received some good news from my surgeon ("cartilage growing is complete! Time to start weight-bearing and rehabbing!") the angry dark cloud that was ominously following me for the past 2 months disappeared, the sun shone through, and my mind became clear - which is exactly what is necessary for meditation/self-discovery month.

Here's what I learned this week:

1) A fabulously decorated knee brace will take you places, my friends
As Dr. M. hummed and hawed over my chart, debating whether or not I was ready to begin rehab, I proudly showed him my brace covered in tequila, sweat, sand, and inspirational sayings. Although he appeared perplexed by the tropical fish swimming happily along the side of the brace, I could tell that deep down inside, he was impressed.

"Well, I guess it's time to start phase two," he stated. "Rehab will take about 4 months," he continued.

"It'll take me 2," I replied confidently.

"Well, I've never seen anyone cover their brace in stickers before, so I wouldn't be surprised."

Yes! Mission accomplished. Dr. M. is impressed. I'm completely convinced that, if given the opportunity, Dr. M would rate me as his most compliant and motivated patient ever. Ever. If he could grade me, I'm positive he would deliver an A+ (or perhaps a 4.0 if he adheres to US College requirements).

2) You CAN push yourself too far
Once I had the go-ahead to weight-bear and begin therapy, Dr. M. assured me that there would be much pain as my muscles learned how to operate properly and my new cartilage settled into its role. He also assured me that, at this point, I could not destroy what had been done (unless I placed a lot of force on it). He said, "Go for it!"

He obviously does not know me well. Oh I went for it. 6 hours after he uttered those words, I was cockily strutting down the hall with no crutches. The pain was almost unbearable and the concentration it took to prevent my right leg from buckling was intense; however, I instantly observed a shift in my friends/co-workers facial expressions that pushed me further -  that look of pity was gone. They were impressed. Boo-Ya! Watch me! Watch this! Unfortunately, once my knee exploded to the size of a bowling ball (5 pin, not 10 pin, thank god), it was apparent that I was pushing myself too fast, too soon. After a good chat with my Physiotherapist (cue sappy music and a Danny Tanner hug) it became apparent that I was really only impeding my progress if I worked myself to the point of excruciating pain and swelling. Lesson learned.

mmmmm....

3) I prefer Sauvignon Blanc to Pinot Grigo
I thought I was a pinot gal, but I changed my mind. I prefer Sauvignon Blanc. It's crisper. It's fresher. My taste is maturing (I've come a long way from my days of ordering the "vodka special." ) That's all.

4) I understand the purpose and steps needed to properly meditate!
Yay! This is my big accomplishment of the week! I received a comment on my blog encouraging me to contact a young woman in Prince Albert by the name of Cherish to help with my meditation goal. I checked out Cherish's website and immediately felt like she could help me. Not only is she a yoga instructor, a Registered Massage Therapist, and a doula, but she has years and years of meditation experience. Upon contacting her for advice, she generously offered to come to my house and show this young grasshopper the ways. Although I was very excited to meet and learn from Cherish, I was a little nervous that I would have a tough time relating to her. I'm not gonna lie, I pictured a hippy-ish looking lady wreaking of incense whilst speaking in Haiku. Cherish is nothing like that.

Cherish sat down with some notes, inquired about my meditation difficulties, answered all of my questions, and offered me a step-by-step process to succeed with the meditation. She was calm, cool, and completely down to earth. She made me feel at ease. My kind of girl!

Cherish explained that there are many different schools of thought regarding meditation - it's easy to get lost in the worlds of chakras, chanting, and religion behind the meditation. She sees meditation as a tool to discipline the mind so that you are able to live in the moment. Ding! Ding! Ding! This is the purpose - the basis behind my entire year - seize the day! Epiphany! (Oprah would define this as un "uh huh" moment).

She explained that the mind becomes so full of dialogue - reenacting scenes from our past (usually the unpleasant ones - why the h would we want to revisit those bad feelings?), worrying about the future (silly! We have no way of knowing what tomorrow will bring!) and rehashing conversations with others (should I have said that? What did he mean when he said that?). With our brain so full of useless chatter, we fail to observe that which is surrounding us - The air feels and smells so humid today! Look at the contrast of that awesome canola field with the bright blue sky! I love the feel of my husband's bristles after a haircut. This is the sweetest watermelon I have ever tasted!

Meditation allows you to open your mind to embrace the here and now. Does that make sense to you? It makes perfect sense to me! Part of seizing the day is fully attending to what you are seeing, tasting, touching, hearing, and smelling - in that moment. That's certainly a goal that I want to accomplish.

So now that I know why I want to meditate, I just need to practice. I'm currently striving to sit and breathe for up to 5 minutes without my mind "wandering." It's ok if my mind ponders something in that moment ("I have a bum itch. ooooh - there, all good"), as long as I readjust and focus back on my breathing and counting.

I've been meditating for 4-5 minutes every day and I've begun to crave it. I feel fantastic afterwards and I'm beginning to notice myself attending to more things in my environment. I walked (well...crutched) into a patient's room today and was struck by the smell of fresh roses at her bedside. As I breathed in the fragrant scent, I wondered if I would have noticed this smell a few weeks ago or if I would have entered the room with swallowing assessment protocol on my mind - all business. That being said, I also was acutely aware of baby Sutter's stinky bum today (BFF Janna's sweet little boy) - so heightened senses are not always a good thing!

Thank you so much, Cherish, for your tips and guidance - much appreciated!

In other news, I am happy to announce that I am now an independent bather. Yep, you heard correctly. I am showering by myself. Assist of zero. This is very good news for my and Ev's marriage. 2 weeks ago, he "forgot" me in the shower. After desperately screeching his name repeatedly with no response, I actually scooted myself out of the shower and across the cold tile floor on my bottom. My naked bottom. It sucked. The situation prompted me to use Lawyer's brilliant line (which should definitely be on a T-shirt): "I love you...but right now, I hate your face."

Now it all makes sense...

Warning: This post contains the word "nipple." It also contains needless violence. If you can tolerate the "nipple" and the violence, you are in for a heart-warming ending. 


It was a rough weekend. I am entering my 7^th week as a non-weight bearing, asshole crutch using, sweaty knee brace wearing, non-driving, dependent bather. It’s getting old. Really old. The events of the weekend; however, completely sent me over the edge. Luckily, the events could be considered entertaining. At least it makes for an interesting blog post.

Saturday was a beautiful evening at Candle Lake. Sitting around the campfire with 10 fabulous friends, we drank margaritas (I told you, I’m drinking again. Screw balance) and enjoyed the warm, mosquito-filled evening. Propped up on a chair in front of me, even my angry knee was in his “happy place.” Suddenly, a spark popped out of the fire, landing on my “bad” foot. Jerking my leg away instinctively, my knee locked up, causing instant excruciating pain. Let me tell you, nothing dampers the mood of a friendly gathering quite like a hostess screaming bloody murder whilst writhing in agony on the grass. Tears streaming down my face, I assured my guests (who were now staring at me in horror) that the party should go on; however, I would be removing myself to privately tend to the horrific cramping I was now experiencing from thigh to ankle. As I looked down at my knee is despair, I was, at least, comforted by this:

There is NO weakness left. I give! I give!

The next morning as I sat sipping my tea on our deck, contemplating the events of the previous evening in my Tylenol 3 induced fog, I was shocked as a wasp flew into my bikini top. Unable to flee, I swatted at my top, trying to free the insect from my “booby trap.” AAAAGGGGGHHHHH! It was too late. The angry wasp stung my….well…my…nipple (I’m sorry, I promised never to speak of “lady parts” again – but a nipple isn’t really a “lady part” is it?). Yep. It stung my nipple. As I painfully attempted to squeeze the stinger out, I couldn’t help but think that other than the size of my right nipple (which was growing exponentially), things were deteriorating rapidly.

Picture of stung nipple here. What? it didn't load? Damnit. 

The realization of what was happening hit me that night as I awoke in an itchy frenzy. A heat rash had developed under my knee brace, causing me to lose my mind, scratching like a maniac until my skin began to bleed. As I scratched manically, my calf began cramping. Alternating between scratching and screaming, it suddenly became apparent. It all made sense. Of course! I am a participant in the Hunger Games. Why didn’t I think of this sooner? If you’ve read the Hunger Games, you will know exactly what I am talking about. If you haven’t, go read it NOW. It’s awesome. Basically, the premise is that participants in these “games” are being tortured/killed for the amusement of the spectators. I immediately searched the ceiling for signs of the elusive cameras that were obviously tracking my every torturous experience. “Send in the tracker jacks!” I yelled, “End it now!”

Good Gawd.

So now that I’ve gotten to the bottom of things, I’m looking for a Hunger Games sponsor to graciously float a gift my way as I navigate through this treacherous games arena. I’m looking more for comfort type gifts (magazines, booze); as opposed to offensive weapons (lasers that shoot out of my crutches).  Thank you. May the odds be ever in your favour.

This just in....went to see my Orthopedic Surgeon today and I now have the go-ahead to weight-bear! It seems my cartilage-growing is complete. This is fabulous news! Obviously, I had to hit rock bottom first as a Hunger Games participant. Bring on the rehab - Dr. says 4 months; however, he has no idea how awesome I am (and how badly I want to ditch my asshole crutches). I give it 2.

Sayanora asshole crutches!!!!! (once I can safely weight-bear, of course)

Surprise Surprise... my mind is drunk

I’m really trying to embrace “meditation/mindfulness” month. I am. As far as the meditation goes, I have the breathing down extremely well, if I do say so myself. Although I’m struggling with sitting comfortably to meditate (you try with a giant leg brace and 15 degrees of bend in your knee), I am now capable of sitting and eliminating all distractions and focus on my breathing for 3 minutes straight. 3 whole minutes! I think that is impressive. My "Master" sends me web lectures every day. I’m actually really enjoying them. It’s forcing me to think about things that I’ve never thought about before. He tells me that the next step in reaching a meditative state is to stop thinking about my breathing and clear my mind. He tells me that my mind is drunk, which really doesn’t surprise me, given the amount of margaritas I consumed this weekend (yes, I’m drinking again. Screw balance). My mind is full of too many thoughts and ideas. He refers to this drunkenness as “a fever.” I kind of like this concept. It makes sense. Each and every thought that runs through your brain contributes to a fever (How the h does a fax machine really work?  Seriously, what are the words to "Informer"? Is it wrong that I want to sleep with or at least cuddle Justin Bieber?) There is just too much non-productive mind chatter . As long as that chatter runs through your mind, you are not able to truly relax and just be "in your own mind". I’m struggling with this next step. After 3 minutes of breathing focus, I attempt to stop thinking about my breathing and just “be.” I can last about 2.8 seconds until random thoughts begin transmitting between my synapses. My latest challenge has been inhibiting songs which suddenly begin playing in my brain. Seriously, why the h is Corey Hart interrupting my meditation and why do I have No idea what the actual words are to “I wear my sunglasses at night.” See what I mean? My mind needs to besober. I need mind AA.

Every day my Master also sends me an assignment. You all know how much I love assignments! Unfortunately, no one is grading me, which certainly detracts from the fun.  My Master sends me a video and asks me to contemplate a very difficult question on a daily basis. For example, He asked, “Who are you? How would you define yourself?” Ummm….I quickly jotted down some notes and realized my response read like a singles ad: “33 year old woman. Loves fun and walks on the beach.” Boo, Kirstie. Think. Who are you? Tough question. You try it.  He also asked me “Where are you going? If you continue on the same path you are currently on, where will you end up? Are you Ok with that?” Frick No! This question actually resulted in much anxiety and If I could actually figure out how to meditate, I would and make that anxiety go away. Although I’m generally happy with my life on a day-to-day basis, the thought of everything remaining the same (same job, same house, same city, same, same same) causes me to freak right out. I don’t want to stay on this path; yet, I’m uncertain as to what direction I want to head in. I want more. I want different. I want diversity. Shit, now my mind is super drunk. My mind just downed 10 shots of tequila. Thanks Master! The last assignment then required me to answer the question, “What do you want?” Ok, that’s easy. I want to be healthy and I want a giant check. You know those giant checks that golfers win in the PGA? I want one of those. I don't care how much it is worth, I just want the check. I would then wait in line at the ATM and watch other's reactions as I try to deposit it. Bahahaha. Easy. Done.  Oh wow. These questions are really forcing me to look within myself.

All I want is world peace....and a giant check. 

In other news, Evan selfishly pulled his groin whilst wake surfing. The groin pull was a recurring injury when he played pro hockey. Evan used to impressively stop pucks in the splits position, much to the delight of the crowd, but occasionally resulting in a nasty muscle pull. I recall the other hockey wives winking knowingly at me when Ev sprawled spread eagle in front of his net, “wow, you’re a lucky girl!” I would wink back and smile wondering how exactly I should be benefitting from Ev's impressive flexibility? Perhaps I need to read "50 shades of Grey"???

All mine, ladies. Not sure what to do with that, but it's all mine

Calm the Eff down!

I was an angry child. Very angry. Upon hearing the word, "NO," I abruptly fell to my knees and began hammering my forehead on the floor. I did this so often that I spend the majority of the 2nd year of my life with a black bruise on my forehead. Most people claim that they have no memories until about age 4 or 5. Not me. I remember banging my head on the floor. I recall being so unbelievably enraged that someone had placed limitations on what I was able/allowed to do that the only way to possibly vent my anger was to throw my little forehead against the cold, hard floor and bang away. Take that!

Fortunately for my poor parents' sanity (my mom used to lock herself in the bathroom to escape my madness - once I punished her by throwing a chair through the bathroom door) and the integrity of little forehead, this horrid behaviour abruptly stopped by age 3 when I turned into a somewhat normal human being again.

Unfortunately, at age 33, 31 years rage-free, the anger has returned.

Although I haven't actually started banging my head against the floor, the frustrations associated with this past month have caused me to react irrationally, shouting f-bombs as I throw my asshole crutches across the room, uttering threats to the pen that dares to fall out of my hands, onto the floor suddenly out of my reach, and angrily screaming Evan's name repeatedly when I'm ready to be removed from the shower (yes, I'm still being bathed - week 5 UGGGGGHHHH!!!)

My face turns red, the nervous/angry rash appears on my chest, and I lose complete and utter control. I'm turning into a complete spazz and it's apparent that I need help.

For this reason, I've decided that July will be "Meditation/self discovery" month. I was referred to a website where a little Indian man by the name of Dhyan Vimal, otherwise known as "the Master," sends me daily "mindfulness" assignments, shows me how to breathe (I was mistakenly under the impression that I have been breathing just fine) and discover my "true" self. Apparently, my current self is false. Thank god because she is a raving lunatic.

Kirstie. Breathe. Calm the Eff down!

I have zero meditation experience. The closest thing is a relaxation tape that my mom bought for me in the 6th grade. A bundle of nerves, I was an incredibly neurotic 12 year old who suffered from insomnia. My mom would place the relaxation tape on, I would focus on squeezing, then relaxing each and every muscle in my body, and just as I was about to drift off to slumber, the melodic voice on the cassette tape would declare, "You do not want a cigarette."Apparently it was a stop smoking tape. It never did help me fall asleep; however, I have never craved a cigarette.

Now I'm ready for the real deal. Enlighten me! Enlighten me! I'm ready to cleanse my chakras (I seriously don't remember those from anatomy class), release the anger, and embrace my true self. I hope she's awesome.. and not a fricken spazz.