Calm the Eff down!

I was an angry child. Very angry. Upon hearing the word, "NO," I abruptly fell to my knees and began hammering my forehead on the floor. I did this so often that I spend the majority of the 2nd year of my life with a black bruise on my forehead. Most people claim that they have no memories until about age 4 or 5. Not me. I remember banging my head on the floor. I recall being so unbelievably enraged that someone had placed limitations on what I was able/allowed to do that the only way to possibly vent my anger was to throw my little forehead against the cold, hard floor and bang away. Take that!

Fortunately for my poor parents' sanity (my mom used to lock herself in the bathroom to escape my madness - once I punished her by throwing a chair through the bathroom door) and the integrity of little forehead, this horrid behaviour abruptly stopped by age 3 when I turned into a somewhat normal human being again.

Unfortunately, at age 33, 31 years rage-free, the anger has returned.

Although I haven't actually started banging my head against the floor, the frustrations associated with this past month have caused me to react irrationally, shouting f-bombs as I throw my asshole crutches across the room, uttering threats to the pen that dares to fall out of my hands, onto the floor suddenly out of my reach, and angrily screaming Evan's name repeatedly when I'm ready to be removed from the shower (yes, I'm still being bathed - week 5 UGGGGGHHHH!!!)

My face turns red, the nervous/angry rash appears on my chest, and I lose complete and utter control. I'm turning into a complete spazz and it's apparent that I need help.

For this reason, I've decided that July will be "Meditation/self discovery" month. I was referred to a website where a little Indian man by the name of Dhyan Vimal, otherwise known as "the Master," sends me daily "mindfulness" assignments, shows me how to breathe (I was mistakenly under the impression that I have been breathing just fine) and discover my "true" self. Apparently, my current self is false. Thank god because she is a raving lunatic.

Kirstie. Breathe. Calm the Eff down!

I have zero meditation experience. The closest thing is a relaxation tape that my mom bought for me in the 6th grade. A bundle of nerves, I was an incredibly neurotic 12 year old who suffered from insomnia. My mom would place the relaxation tape on, I would focus on squeezing, then relaxing each and every muscle in my body, and just as I was about to drift off to slumber, the melodic voice on the cassette tape would declare, "You do not want a cigarette."Apparently it was a stop smoking tape. It never did help me fall asleep; however, I have never craved a cigarette.

Now I'm ready for the real deal. Enlighten me! Enlighten me! I'm ready to cleanse my chakras (I seriously don't remember those from anatomy class), release the anger, and embrace my true self. I hope she's awesome.. and not a fricken spazz.