September Goal: survive an MRI and endure UFO surgery

I went for an MRI of my crappy knee this week. It scared the shit out of me. If you've ever had an MRI that scared the shit out of you, please feel free to comment and share. If your MRI was a super cool experience and you can't believe what a spazz I am, keep your comments to yourself.

Warning: This post was not censored. You need to get the full effect, profanity and all.

MRI Technician:  No problems with confined spaces or loud noises then?

Me:  Nope (seriously? I practically lived in a tanning bed my grade 12 year and I rode in a noisy combine with my dad until I was 13)

MRI Tech:  It's very loud. Here are some headphones. I'll turn on the radio for you. Here's a ball. Squeeze it if you need out ASAP. Don't move a muscle.

Me:  Sounds good (seriously? people actually squeeze that ball? How embarrassing - how hard can this be)

MRI Tech:  See you in 25 minutes!

Me:  Sure thing! (oh good, some "me" time to just chill)

Internal dialogue for next 25 minutes as follows:

Okay. Just gettin' an MRI. Magnetic Resonance Imaging. Cool. Here we go. Awesome. Ok.  It's on. Wow, that is loud! It's drowning out Adele. I think she's rolling in the deep, but I can't quite tell...haha. This is fine.

Wow - is someone firing machine guns at me? Is there a firing squad? Yikes. Focus on something else...something else...what does that word say? SIEMANS - that must be the manufacturing company that made this machine. I wonder how many words I can make out of SIEMANS? This should take about 25 minutes. 

MANS

AN

MA

A

SEM? That's not a word. Fuck this thing is so loud. 

Oh, thank god the firing squad has ceased fire. That was a bit much.

Holy Hell! - now the air raid sirens have been deployed. Thank god I'm not a Vet with Post traumatic stress disorder or I'd be freaking right out right now.

Am I freaking out? Maybe just a little. I'm going to meditate. Yes, that's a super idea.

breathe in - 1 - breathe out. Yes this is nice...so relaxing...

I wish the goddamn air raid sirens would stop. Is it cold in here, or is it just me? Why can't I stop shaking. Brrrrrr....Oh. The sirens have stopped. It's quiet. This quiet is nice, but it just means another horrible sound is about to erupt from the confines of my coffin. wait for it...wait for it...AGGGHHHH! Machine guns!!!!

Fuck I'm cold. I wonder if I'm in shock? Oh god, I think I'm one of those freaks who freaks out during MRI's! Shit, now there's loud clicking - it's like the firing squad is loading their guns. AGHHHH!!!! Get a hold of yourself, Kirstie. 

Breathe in - 2 - breathe out. I can't fucking meditate. It's not working!!! The magnets from the MRI are sucking away my heat and my common sense. Oh for God's sake, Kirstie. You are fine. You will be fine. Magnetic Resonance Imaging. My nuclei are rotating. No big deal. 

What did she tell me about my leg again? Keep it still? I can't keep it still - it won't stop shaking. Oh fuck, I am legitimately freaking out. AAAGGGHHHH the air raid sirens are back!!! Should I squeeze the ball? I'm gonna squeeze the ball. OH my god. I don't need these pictures - just cut off the knee and I will walk on my hands!

(Machine shuts off)

Oh thank god. 

MRI Tech: There, all done. Your pics are clear. You will have the results in a week. How was it?

Me: Yep, no big deal.  A little on the chilly side.

MRI Tech: Oh I should have gotten you a blanket. I hope it wasn't too horrible for you!

Me: (casual laughter). Oh no. It was just fine. Thank you.

Get. Me. Out. Of. Here.

Super experience.

As it turns out, the MRI was invaluable to my treatment plan. Last night I received a phone call from Dr. M,

"Kirstie, it's Dr. M. What are you doing this weekend?"

(Why the h is Dr. M calling me on a Friday night? Does he want to go to a movie or something?)

"Um...Hi, Dr. M. This weekend? Um, I'm probably taking painkillers because my knee is hurting like a mo' fo....and it's going numb now too. Is that bad?"

"I looked at your MRI and there's an unidentifiable object floating around in your knee."

"An unidentifiable floating object? Would that be a UFO then?"

"It's large. And it looks like it's a piece of bone that came off from the other side of your knee - the side we didn't operate on. Actually, the side we operated on looks good. You grew some cartilage! That floating chunk is doing some damage though. We need to get it out and see what's going on with the anterior side of your knee. How about surgery on Sunday? - unless you're busy taking your crutches surfing."

(So what you're saying is...I GREW CARTILAGE!!! YES!!!! I knew I could grow cartilage! I am a successful cartilage grower! whoot whoot!)

"No crutch surfing. Sure. What time do I need to be at the hospital?"

"What time do you want to stop drinking wine on Saturday night?"

"1 a.m?"

"Ok, drink until 1 a.m and then come in at 9 a.m for your surgery."

I'm not even joking. That's exactly how it went down (don't worry, I won't actually drink wine until 1 a.m - I'll stop at like 10 :) hehe).

So at 9am on Sunday while you're enjoying your weekend coffee with the fam, I will be roofied with the good drugs, entertaining the h out of Dr. M while he looks for my UFO. Wish me luck.