Lesson #1: Why Can't I make a f&*%^$# sound on this &*%$#$# flute?

Heidi: Like Snow White, but better

I didn't have to look far to find myself a top-notch flute coach with the patience of a saint. Enter Heidi Funk, flute coach extraordinaire! Heidi is the other adult Speech-Language Pathologist at the hospital (there are 2 of us in the WHOLE health region. Obviously, we are tres important :)). We share an office, a love of adult clients, and many deep and meaningful conversations in our little office at the end of the day ("Don't fax machines just blow you away?" "I know! Things just magically go places!"). Sharing an office is a pretty intimate experience, you know. Heidi has walked in on me popping a zit (And why, at age 32, am I still getting zits??), eating jam straight of a jar (I loooove my grandma's jam and was feeling faint after seeing a particularly phlegmy patient) and recently, rolling on a tennis ball (in agony) on our office floor (hurt my back. May be flute-related injury).  Although we've only been office mates for 2 years, I feel like I've been able to share a few monumental experiences with Heidi - her first adult stroke patient, her first blind date (not good. He's a dud, obviously), and her first home purchase (all by herself, smart girl!). Heidi has also been one of my great supports with Ryan's passing. She always listens attentively (that's what good Speech Pathologist's do) and has encouraged me to get this blog rolling. Basically, Heidi rocks. Heidi played the flute in high school (with seriously bangin bangs), majored in music for 2 years in University (do you know anyone who actually majors in music?), and has agreed to coach me, med-free, despite my deep-seeded "issues" with the flute. Perfect.

Lesson 1: Why can't I make a f&%*(^& sound on this F*%$#^$ flute?

What are you up to Meow?

7:15 - Heidi arrives, flute case in tow. Flute case is dusty. Biloxi, the cat, is interested, "What the h is this crazy biatch up to now?"
7:20 - Heidi opens up the case. Wow. It's shiny. It's silver. My heart races. It's laughing at me. I can feel it.
7:30 - Heidi hands me the mouthpiece. "Just get used to blowing into the mouthpiece first." Of course. Start slow, work my way up. I get it. She demonstrates. A beautiful haunting whale cry is emitted from the lovely instrument. Biloxi, the cat, goes wild. He howls, he jumps in the bathtub, if he could, he would cover his ears with his paws and scream, "STOP IT!". Apparently he does not love the flute? Dundee, the dog, is completely oblivious, chasing and tormenting Biloxi, "Exciting things happening in our house - don't know what to do - must chase cat!!!"
Ok. I'm ready. My lips are much more mature than they were at age 12. I can totally do this.
7:35 - I press the mouthpiece to my lips and blow. No sound. Flute mocks me.
7:38 - I rotate the mouthpiece slightly forward and blow. No sound. Flute cackles wickedly.
7:40 - I rotate the mouthpiece slightly back and blow. No sound. Flute rolls around on the floor, laughing hysterically.
7:42 - Heidi remains cool and calm, "just keep trying. You'll get it." I notice her fidget ever so slightly. "Pull your lip a bit tighter."
7:45 - 8:15 (that's right - half and hour) - blow. No sound. blow faster. No sound. blow slower. No sound. I'm about to pass out. Flute yawns. Flute is bored. This F&*%$#& stupid piece of s*^&! A look passes over Heidi's face. I've seen that look before. Pity.
8:15 - Heidi, sensing my frustration, comes up with an alternate plan, "It might help if you practice on a bottle first. Like a beer bottle." Right. Atta girl, Heidi. Intoxicate me to the point of forgetting. I like it.
8:20 - We open our first Corona. It's much too full to make a sound. Must drink. Fast.
8:21 - Corona half full. Feeling relaxed. Picturing myself on a white sand Mexican beach, playing lovely tunes on my lovely flute.
8:30 - Heidi and I play a duet - me on the beer bottle; she on the flute. In my opinion, we sound really good together. Perhaps I will change October goal: Play pearl Jam on beer bottles whilst :) shitfaced.
8:35 - Heidi hands me the flute. "OK, you're ready."

A match made in heaven

8:40 - I blow. THERE IS A SOUND! It's breathy. It's off key, but it's A SOUND! (See, Mr. M, you just didn't have the right approach).
8:45 - We celebrate by downing our beer and taking a picture. Biloxi, the cat, is losing his mind.
8:50 - Heidi puts the whole flute together and begins showing me notes. Real notes. B flat is my favorite.
9:00 - I am pumped. I've conquered this thing (well, it's a good start). The flute and I have come to some sort of understanding. I tweet away b-flat (5 sec pause to reset fingers), C (7 second pause to reset fingers), b-flat (5 second pause to reset fingers), C. I'm not gonna lie to you, that's pretty much a trill.
9:10 - Heidi leaves for the night. I am elated....and tipsy. Biloxi, the cat, is pissy. Real pissy.

Check out the vid!
Disclaimer: Not the most flattering video of Heidi and I. To be fair, we just returned from the gym. We are much more attractive in person. Trust me.