I am an unfit car owner. Help me.

How the heck do you top diving with sharks in Honduras and wakesurfing with the 6 time world champion in Florida? You don't. Hence, I've decided to choose a very practical, yet valuable goal for the month of April. To be honest, I had intended to sign up for gymnastics this month. I had visions of an unreal floor routine synchronized with "2 Unlimited - Get Ready for this." Unfortunately, as I explained earlier, I run like a fat kid and have since suffered the consequences with bursitis of the knee. It's brutal. I went from pulling shuv-its on my indo board in the WTF to literally crawling up the stairs. Luckily, I work in the Therapies Department at the hospital and have access to the city's finest Physiotherapists. My "athletic trainer," Lisa Wallin, ultrasounds my knee on a daily basis (she must be so tired of me asking whether it's a boy or a girl - it's a boy, by the way) and instructed me to rest it. Damn it. No back handsprings for me (I'm quite certain that if I was able to do gymnastics, I would definitely be pulling out back handsprings. Now we'll never know).

So I've declared April the official "Vehicle Maintenance" month. Those of you who know me and my 2002 grand am are presently laughing your asses off. For those of you who are confused, let me explain.

My 2002 Grand Am is turning 10 this month. If it were a child, social services would have removed it from my home about 6 months after it was purchased due to neglect. My idea of "vehicle maintenance" is limited to filling it with gas when the "Low Fuel" light is on (never prior to). The "change oil" light has been on for at least the last 8 months. In addition to lack of service, this poor vehicle has not been washed or detailed in years. In fact, there are items in the trunk and backseat that I'm certain date back to 2002. But, like a champ, other than a broken CD player ("Summer Mix 2009" is still stuck  in the CD player), this vehicle has been, for the most part, a reliable, loyal friend to me. Who mistreats a friend like that? Boo, Kirstie, Boo.

It's quite embarrassing, actually, and I've often wondered why I do not take more pride in my vehicle. I've reasoned that if I owned a newer, shinier vehicle, more care would be taken, but who am I kidding? In fact, during my "dark" days in Calgary, one particular asshole commented that given my salary, I should be driving a much nicer vehicle. I totally took offense and determined immediately that I needed a "Calgary car" (BMW, Acura, and/or LandRover) in order to fit it. Desperate to pull me out of my "darkness," poor Ev took me to test drive a Beemer. As I sat in the soft leather seat and stared at the shiny BMW logo, I did not feel a rush of excitement or power. I couldn't help but think: this isn't going to make me happy. It'll get me from point A to point B - 2 places I don't even want to get to in this city. I'd rather save the money and buy a kickass boat, which will be guaranteed to provide a summer of happiness. I can't wakesurf behind this car. Besides, this BMW will be dirty and full of crap within a month because I am and always will be neglectful of my vehicle (I told you, I was in a dark place). So I rebelled by continuing to drive the 2002 Grand Am in protest of those douchebag Calgarians who believed that the vehicle made the man. I refused to succumb to the masses! (disclaimer: I am NOT stereotyping all Calgarians as douchebags - there are many very lovely people who live in Calgary - like I said, I was in a "dark" place).

But you know what? Those dark days are over. I'm living in small town Prince Albert where, although a few jackasses may pass judgement, most really don't give a care  what I drive. In fact, there are several fabulous Prince Albertans who also drive the 2002 Grand Am. There's nothing to protest. This has now become an issue of basic vehicle hygiene. My home is not a disaster. I don't eat a granola bar and throw the wrapper on the floor. I wouldn't leave a tupperware container of salmon in my closet. Why the hell do I do that to my car?

For the month of April, to celebrate the 10th birthday of the 2002 Grand Am, I will:
1) Clean and detail the car (my very first job was as a car detailer, ironically, it lasted 1 month)
2) Learn how to change a tire (embarrassing, but I currently have NO idea)
3) Learn how to change the oil (I am aware that places do this for you in less than 15 minutes; however, I want to prove my loyalty to the Grand Am)
4) Change the windshield wiper  - the rubber is currently is peeling off like cheese strings.

I am including a tour of my car in it's current state. After watching this video, I totally understand if you've lost total respect for me, causing you to question why you would want to be friends with or follow the blog of a person who is capable of being so utterly disgusting. This car is in a horrific state and it's due to my neglect. First step is admitting you have a problem. I have a problem. I want to change. This is my cry for help. Help me.