Everything would be better if Evan was a vampire

I didn't want to post about my knee today. Really, I didn't. I'm sure you're all very sick of hearing about this incredibly lame scab-growing experience (cartilage growing will not commence for another 5 weeks or so), and trust me, I'm extremely exasperated by it as well. I am entering the third week of recovery (which consists of sitting on my couch, knee elevated, watching TV, and scouring Pinterest like it's my job). I had every intention of posting a hilarious hockey wife tale this morning, but when I crutched (it's now a verb) into my living room at 10am to enjoy my daily, uplifting viewing of "Ellen," I found an ominous black screen on my television with the words, "No Signal." Although I patiently waited 1 hour and 30 minutes for Shaw to call me back with lifesaving tips,  the conversation that transpired challenged my will to refrain from poking out my eyes with a blunt object.

"Ma'am, is your receiver light on?" (English is most definitely not this man's first language)

"I dont' know. Like I said, my receiver is downstairs and I physically can't go down there."

"What is your receiver showing right now, ma'am?"

"I don't know. Like I said, my receiver is downstairs and I physically can't get down my stairs."

"Ma'am, can you please unplug your receiver."

"Like i said, my receiver is downstairs and I physically can't go down there," (voice getting shriller by the minute)

"Your receiver is NOT in the same room as your TV?"

"No."

"Sorry ma'am, we cannot help you."

Damnit.  I have no television for the day. It may not sound like a big deal to you, but it's kinda my...um...lifeline right now. I enjoy watching programs about people who are sucking at life. You know, like "Teen Mom" and "Intervention." In some sadistic way, it comforts me. I may be housebound but at least I'm not addicted to heroin. Yet.

That being said, motivation to write a hilarious hockey tale is now non-existent.

But, I am more than willing to discuss a few issues that have come up over the past few days. Issues 1 & 2 are angry and dark, but stay with me for Issues 3 & 4 which will make you chuckle.

Issue 1: I am in an abusive relationship with my crutches


My crutches are assholes. They smack me in the face, mock me as they crash to the floor, chafe my delicate armpits, and create calluses on the palms of my hands. I really do hate the way that they treat me, as well as everything they stand for; yet, I NEED them. And they know that. Those damn crutches have me right where they want me.

In a fit of fury yesterday (yes, I occasionally have a meltdown - typically when I'm alone and my windows are closed), I tossed the asshole crutches across the room where they arrogantly dented my floors while landing with a thud. We glared angrily at each other, fuming. It was a stand-off.

"Eff you, you stupid crutches."

"Haha! You'll have to pee eventually. How do you think you're going to get to the bathroom, hey? You NEED us."

So not only am I in an abusive relationship with my crutches, but I'm conversing with them as well. This is NOT good. Isn't there some help line I can call about this? Preferably with someone who speaks English.

my 4 wheeled walker: so lame, yet so functional!

Issue 2: This is NOT an F'in Vacation!


How many of you actually took the time to read your contracts before accepting your current job? I highly recommend it.

I've been using sick time to remain at home and recover from my surgery; however, I was made aware that my sick time is quickly depleting. "I'll just apply for short-term disability," I thought confidently.

Guess who DOESN'T have short-term disability? This girl (I know you can't see, but my thumb is angrily pointing toward my face right now).

So....as I gradually return to work, I have the fabulous option of taking time without pay or dipping into my hard-earned vacation bank. Awesome.

"Hey Kirstie, where did you go on vacation this year?"

"Oh you know. My living room. The one with the TV that doesn't work. Strolled around on my four-wheeled walker, checked out the sites of my hallway. Fabulous weather though - room temperature the entire time!"

If you are part of the Health Sciences Association of Saskatchewan, I highly recommend that you do not get sick. Or, if you really must, save up for that sick time before you decide to get sick. Plan ahead. Our union is comprised of health care workers such as Pharmacists, Physios, Respiratory Therapists, etc who typically work in hospitals and medical clinics, so it's not like we're exposed to anything that might actually make us sick. That's sarcasm. Rant over.

Issue 3: I wish Evan was a vampire


Against everything in me, everything I stand for, I succumbed to the vampires and began reading the Twilight series.

I don't exactly know why, but I fought that one like crazy. Two years ago, as everyone raved about the series and formed massive lines outside of movie theatres to see Bella and Edward on the big screen, I stubbornly fought the urge to join the masses in, from what I could see, was a cult-like epidemic.

I really do not like vampires. I have zero interest in them. They creep me out. They frighten me. I want nothing to do with them.

Yet, as I began to read about the love affair between the clumsy Bella and the irresistible Edward, I couldn't help but be drawn to the story. Every muscle in my body tensed as Edward carefully laid that first cold kiss on Bella's quivering lips.

I glanced over at Ev who lay reading in bed next to me.

"Ev," I whispered seductively (I lie. I have NO idea how to whisper seductively).

"uh huh"

"kiss me like a vampire."

"I have no idea what that means."

"Like cold and kinda like you want to drink my blood."

"um. No, I don't think so."

Damnit! Why can't Evan just be a vampire?  Life would be so interesting and dangerous.

key lime pie!

Issue 4: Pinterest Success #2!


For father's day this year, my fabulous sister, Kayla, and I decided to create a key lime pie and classically condition our dad. It's one of his favourites - the key lime pie, not the classical conditioning.

Kayla is currently enrolled in Psych 110 (I loooooved psych classes!) Her latest assignment was to use the principles of classical conditioning to create a conditioned response. Basically, if you pair a stimulus with an action (ring the bell then feed the dog), a conditioned response will arise simply by presenting the stimulus (ring bell, dog automatically salivates in anticipation of food).

We decided to try and condition our dad (Happy father's day!)

We gave dad the much anticipated key lime pie (it turned out pretty good too, thanks Pinterest!) As he was eating, Kayla would cough (stimulus) and I would immediately take his plate away...and then eventually return it.  It took 4 coughs before dad became extremely frustrated and conditioned to grasp his plate tightly as soon as he heard the sound of the cough. Genius. We managed to create a fantastic father's day meal for our dad, complete an assignment for Psych 110, and entertain ourselves immensely. Thankfully our easygoing dad is quite willing to participate in anything that contributes to our academic success and enjoyment!

Dad and his girls (and the key lime pie)

Positive Affirmation of the day, courtesy of my awesome 5 year old niece, reads:


"You can poop in the potty!"


Yes I can. Pooping in the potty is currently a big deal in their house as my little nephew stubbornly refuses to participate in such an act. Thankfully, this is not an issue for me, as long as my asshole crutches are nearby.