Celebrity Cheat

There are a few key questions that you should never ask your spouse because you may not like the answer. For example, "Do these jeans make me look fat?" "Do you think insert name of hot friend here is good looking?" and "If you had 1 celebrity cheat, who would it be?" Does anyone remember that episode of "Friends" where Monica and Chandler comprise a list of celebrities that they would be "allowed" to cheat with, if the opportunity should arise? Well one night over a bottle of wine, I asked Evan which one celebrity he would choose to sleep with, given the opportunity. I don't really know what I was expecting or how the conversation could possibly end on a positive note, but I do know that I was not at all happy with Evan's response. He didn't even have to contemplate an answer. It just popped right out (like he'd thought long and hard about this before???) He chose...Salma Hayek.

I'm sure Salma Hayek has a wonderful personality. I'm sure Salma Hayek is a real hoot at parties. I'm sure Salma Hayek is intelligent. However, Salma Hayek looks NOTHING like me. Evan chose to hypothetically cheat with a celebrity that does not look/act ANYTHING like me. No resemblance whatsoever. Not that I actually resemble any particular celebrity in Hollywood; however, there are certain celebrities that share a similar hairstyle (blonde), similar body-type (flat-chested athletic), similar personality (goofy), etc. But, nope. If there was a spectrum of "types," I'm at one end, and Salma Hayek is waaaaay at the other. I'm not gonna lie to you, I was slightly hurt/agitated with Evan's choice. But I had absolutely no right to be upset. He was honest. So my husband wants to sleep with Salma Hayek. Can't blame him. For the record, I chose Tommy Lee (I know I know. He's kinda icky, but in a bad-boy dangerous with herpes kinda way). Yep. Nothing like Evan Lindsay. I am a hypocrite.

Look Ev! I'm double fisting!

Look at the size of those drinks!

Hmm...I have NO idea what he sees in her.

Look at the size of those....eyes!

About 13 years have passed since this ridiculous fight conversation and I am ready to move on. I am ready to embrace Salma Hayek. Therefore, I will be writing my next fan letter Espanol to Sra. Salma Hayek. I'm extending the olive branch (although I'm not quite sure if Salma is aware that she and I have NOT been on good terms for over 10 years now).

This letter will be one of my greatest challenges yet. There is a lot pent-up emotion that I need to express with limited vocabulary. Given that this week's online Spanish lesson consists of the following categories: weather, parts of the body (la mamila = nipple - this may come in handy?), women's clothing, positive feelings, and negative feelings (uh oh), I will definitely need to be creative in composing a thoughtful, articulate letter to the woman my husband desires. Colleen, get out the wine! Jason "Cliffy Clavin," get out your best Salma fun facts - um...she does speak espanol, right?